Stalled

You’d think at some point I’d learn this thing about myself.

I think I already know it, though. I don’t need to learn it; I’ve acknowledged it. The trick is in facing it. Hunting it down. Doing what I can to ensure that it doesn’t totally rule everything.

It’s a little late for that now.

Almost a year has passed now. That’s a peculiar feeling—thinking about how many times the sun has gone down, how many days I’ve breathed the same old oxygen. How many times I’ve thrown myself at a wall like it was ever going to crumble for me. I think I’ve watched Crawl (2019) twice since then, which is not a lot, but it’s depressing that it’s happened more than once. The same old things cycling through my veins.

I’m not sure I feel any different. I’m sure I do, in certain ways; I feel achier, stiffer, bloated. Curiously enough, like a corpse. Or maybe it’s just that I’m becoming one.

Blue Monday is sitting in its folder on my computer. I stalled out while editing because I had thoughts—thoughts about other ways to write it, or other ways to shape the story into something better. I know one rejection from a literary agent means little to nothing in the grand scheme, but I couldn’t help wondering if my manuscript was simply too long. If I was really only sabotaging myself, kidding myself to think that I could get away with the page count. People don’t like to read anymore. And for a first-time writer?

I don’t know which direction I’m pointed in. I feel scattered, like ashes. Just a breath seems to usher everything away. I can’t concentrate and even when I do, it always seems to be on the wrong thing. Coffee helps and then it doesn’t. Even now, I’m all fragmented, and this post probably makes little to no sense at all.

But that’s the state of things now. It’s the mess I’ll be in, as I attempt to find a way forward. And I’ve never been all that interested in the polished journals. I like crumbling pages and ragged edges, ink spots and coffee blots. This is more in character for me anyway.

Here’s to new things. I’ll get through it, and I hope you do, too.